Respecting elders: the etiquette nobody writes down
A set of small, consistent behaviours that Desi people perform without thinking and notice immediately when absent. None of them are hard; all of them are noticed.
The gestures
- Touching feet (pranam, namaskar, paye lagu) — bending to touch an elder's feet at greetings, festivals, weddings, and before anything important like an exam or a journey. The elder responds by touching your head: a blessing. Not servility — an exchange.
- Namaste — palms together, a slight bow. Always safe, always appropriate, and the right gesture if you're unsure about the rest.
- Never first names. Auntie, Uncle, or a kinship term. Using an elder's given name reads as startling rudeness.
- Right hand for giving, receiving and eating — the left is traditionally unclean. Use both hands to receive something from an elder as an extra mark of respect.
The unspoken order of things
- Elders are served food first, and often eat first entirely.
- Stand when an elder enters the room, at least the first time.
- Don't sit where feet point at someone, and don't step over a person sitting on the floor.
- Shoes off indoors, always — see why.
- Disagreement is indirect. Direct contradiction of an elder in public is avoided even when everyone knows they're wrong; the argument happens later and privately.
Greet the oldest people in the room first, with a namaste, before anyone else. It takes ten seconds, it will be noticed by everybody, and it buys you enormous goodwill for whatever you get wrong afterwards.
Worth saying plainly: the same system that produces genuine care for the old can also silence the young, and many second-generation Desis describe respect and honesty pulling in opposite directions. It's changing — unevenly, and usually quietly.
Last updated: 2026-08-11
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